Double Exposure
On Being Zelly
Welcome Friends And New Subscribers!
I had what I thought was going to be this week’s Snarkastic issue all planned, but then I did a thing. A thing I’ve been putting off for months. A thing that has no rational justification for scaring the beejeezus out of me, but it did.
Backstory you should know:
Zelly Ruskin is my pseudonym. I use it for a bunch of reasons. One is, when I started writing, my surname was from my happily ended marriage. Enough said, right? You know I don’t keep things simple. Another reason involves imposter syndrome.
eloquently explains the true meaning of imposter syndrome:“you have to reach a pinnacle of success you feel you don’t deserve.”
~Leigh Stein, TikTok 12/21/23
And like most phrases in our culture today, we’ve slanged the true meaning of something (my opinion, not hers) into a more casual, simplified definition. She says, imposter syndrome “Has come to be a synonym for insecurity or self-doubt.” So, by the true definition, had I accomplished something great that I really didn’t deserve? Not by any measurable means. No awards or contests, or accolades or best sellers. Nothing I feared could be grabbed away from me.
As an aspiring author, success was being accepted to my first workshop, except I felt like a kid who’d had someone else take their SATs. I sat in a classroom with a group of well-educated, articulate, published students who could cite classics I might’ve read. Imposter. Success was being accepted to a small conference for <gasp> “authors.” To be included was a high, to arrive and spend three days pretending I wasn’t way out of my league—imposter.
Did my feelings qualify for syndrome status? Maybe, but it certainly affected my writerly self-esteem and behaviors. When agents and established authors presenting at that conference took interest in me and asked, “how’s the day going for you?” I’d answer, “Well, no one’s kicked me out yet.” Funny, right? Actual quote! It took a couple of years and a lot of introspection to realize the core issue behind my joke
Frankly, in these experiences and the ones to follow, people were incredibly supportive and encouraging. Fully internalizing the potential they saw in me would be a long journey. No one took anything from me but me.
In the writer world, Zelly was an aspiring author, eager to learn and grow, brave, without pre-existing neurosis holding me back. I was certainly not myself. Being someone I wasn’t, imposter, sure, but I was in a new world, people who didn’t know me in the before, and Zelly was letting me discover who I could be, who I’d never been able to be.
Zelly was to be my brand. It turned out, when given the choice, everyone in the writerly world preferred the name Zelly Ruskin. And so it stuck.
Somewhere along the line, I grew to cherish the separation of my two worlds. The writerly world knows Zelly, a woman who’s worked hard and long and pushed to achieve her goals. In my real life, people know my history, my accomplishments, my failures. They accept or judge me by my past. I actually loved that most of my personal world knew nothing of my writing self. Whether she succeeded or failed, Zelly Ruskin was for me.
In the introduction of her new book How to Get on Podcasts,
says “…I think that being vulnerable and honest are two of the most human traits you show another person. If you’re genuine and share yourself, you’re going to succeed in everything you do…”As Zelly, I am open and out there. Able to ignore/let go of my shy shield. Willing to accept (constructive) criticism. Not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. ‘Not Zelly’ loves her friends, family, and (most of) the people she’s worked with. But our shared history has made me guarded, introverted—they know my flaws, for God’s sake!
So that big difficult thing I finally did? I let my two worlds collide. I introduced my author ego to my personal life. It was a big, scary leap. For me, writing is a success. Being accepted as a writer is a success. To write something people seem to enjoy—major success. To have a publisher stand behind my writing, well that’s take-my-breath-away success. Telling my friends I did this extraordinary thing—terrifying.
Revisiting Leigh Stein’s astute imposter syndrome observation: “you have to reach a pinnacle of success you feel you don’t deserve…. And you felt like a complete fraud and you were waiting for someone to realize you were an imposter and to take your accolades away from you.”
What she says is spot-on, eye-opening and, clearly, thought-provoking. I’m just submitting a less literal interpretation as it applies to my sense of ‘what right do I have to write a book?’ Imposter syndrome feels like the internalization of self-doubt and insecurity coupled with the irrational fear of success being ripped away.
Okay, couch analysts, what does imposter syndrome mean to you? Discuss:
To be clear, my non-writerly friends and family are incredibly supportive of me and excited for Not Yours to Keep. Obviously, I’ve been projecting my insecurities onto to them. It’s not them, it’s me.
When you know people well, you think you know what upsets them, appalls them, triggers them. And when you’re the type to put others’ feelings first, you watch what you say; you delete that witty post you think is funny because a particular person won’t agree. You don’t whine about life because so and so has it worse right now. The overarching issue is vulnerability. In the Zellysphere, it was easy to let myself be vulnerable.
To write well is to embrace vulnerability. However, writers are often introverted. Sharing our work means being exposed. Inviting friends and family into my very personal writing world is a vulnerability I’d shied away from. I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t found my voice as a writer, believed in myself as an author. This merger is about the readiness to share. There will be those who like my story and some who won’t. Some will like my writing style, some won’t. Some will be kind. Others won’t. I have written a book I never expected anyone would see, yet I am putting it out into the world. No matter what happens, I’m proud of myself and that is enough. This is the pinnacle of success I may or may not deserve. And no one can take that accolade from me—I won’t let it go. Imposter no more.
And Now For Something Completely Serious…
Nevermind. I’m worn from my little self-therapy session. You?
Last Licks
That look when Mom keeps saying one more minute—for an hour!
I absolutely always loved your name and I think it is very cool now knowing it is your pseudonym. I'm glad you have let your non Zelly share your big news and achievements. I too struggle with imposter syndrome. I like how Brooke explained it in her recent post. She said authors are a two-sided coin. One side thinks they are complete shit, and the other side is waiting to hear from Man Booker for their award. I paraphrased big time, but that is the gist.